The Grieving Process

The grieving process is unique to every one person; however, while there is no "normal" way to grieve, giving yourself time to grieve should be the one constant in every grieving process. Consider this not as a step-by-step process, but as a helpful guide to keep track of where you are in this journey. You may see that though you are alone in your personal grief, you are not alone in that others are grieving, too. Perhaps some are even grieving alongside you.

Just as no two people grieve the same way, not all losses have the same impact. There are losses that may just need a little time adapting to, and others that seem too heavy a burden. Unfortunately for the latter, there are some losses that seem beyond our ability to cope with. It is in these moments that you may need company, someone to listen, someone who truly cares about your hurt. You don't need their advice, just their ear and their shoulder at this time in your life.

The following stages of grief were outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, first as a five-stage model, and later as a seven-stage model. Each stage will include a brief description to help you put a name to your grief. The word 'stage' implies that it's something you move through, but remember this:

There is no right place to start. For example, the first stage of grief is only a suggestion that it is what you will experience first.
You can, and likely will, experience more than one stage at the same time.
In some cases, you will revert to a stage you've felt previously. That is okay. This is not a step-by-step process.

Shock

Denial

Anger and Frustration

Bargaining/Testing

Depression

Acceptance

Decision

Integration

You may discover that it is better to have different friends, even family, than be in a relationship that only brings you down. Whatever is coming your way, the way you grieve will likely change as well. Life events such as anniversaries, birthdays, and annual family traditions like reunions, cultural honoring of ancestors and so on will be processed differently for you from this day forward. If you lost your loved one during a season of family celebrations, your initial grief will be different than if it had occurred on just another day.

Or, you may have lost your loved one on one of these "just another" days and you're approaching one of these celebrations. Your feelings of grief may begin to flood over you again. Be sure to give yourself the time to grieve. It's perfectly acceptable and may end up being an annual thing for you. Be good to yourself and allow these moments to come and grieve the way you need to.

The Holidays

Grieving during the holidays would seem obvious to most, but there are others who get blindsided when these seasons approach after losing someone. It can be especially difficult when your loved one passes during this season of life. The traditions you carried with your loved one will be missed immediately.

You may put your grief on hold because of the busy season, or it's the busy season that you put on hold because of your grief. Either way, do what you must do to grieve appropriately. As time passes, do whatever works best for you for future holidays, too. It will vary per person, and whether you continue the old traditions you did with your loved one, or start a new tradition, that is completely up to you. Do whatever you must to build your new reality.

Seasonal Grief

Each of the four seasons can have an impact on how one grieves. It will be different for each individual, so you should not let others tell you how you should grieve or say things that suggest the time of your loved ones passing was the best season for it to happen in. Everyone has different feelings for these moments, so whether it be summer, winter, autumn or spring, you must be allowed to feel your own emotions regarding the changing of seasons.

There are many cultures in the world, a lot of which have found a place in the United States. Each one reacts to death and funerals differently than the others. Keep in mind that just because you grew up in a certain culture, it doesn't mean your grieving will look like those who are from your culture or belief system.

Culture is simply "shared beliefs and assumptions (that) interact with shared values and produce shared norms that drive shared patterns of behavior" (Egan, 2010, 2014; The Skilled Helper).

Dr. Gerard Egan explains that there are variations to culture, for each person will develop their own personal culture based on the culture they were brought up in, their own personality, and the society that had influenced them. This is why it's important to grieve your own way. There is no right or wrong way to this—there is your way, and for you, that is the right way.